This compendium of lawyer jokes was first published at ggreen.com on March 22, 1995. It was last updated on January 21, 2013. It does not purport to be a list of all the lawyer jokes I have ever heard, just the ones I like. I have even excluded some jokes that made me laugh when they also fell into the trap that suggests lawyers, per se, are dishonest. I welcome additional contributions, and will credit the source of new ones that pass editorial review.
- Gary Green
“He who laughs at himself laughs last.” – Gary Vert
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh-oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.” – Alan King, on an Ed Sullivan retrospective
“To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We’re all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Most people don’t care for lawyer jokes. Lawyers don’t enjoy being maligned and others don’t think they are jokes.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only two or three. The rest are true stories.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver’s door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing but, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said.
“You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.” “How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!”
“OH MY GOD!” screamed the lawyer.
-submitted by Victoria Powell
We have met the enemy; it is us!
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, “I want those two back in the office right after lunch.”
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
According to lawyers, just one to hold the bulb while the whole world revolves around the lawyer.
Three professionals were discussing the nature of God. The doctor said, “The Bible states that God made Woman by taking a rib out of Man; God is obviously a surgeon.” The engineer replied, “But before God made man he created Heaven and Earth out of Chaos; this is obviously the work of a master engineer.” The lawyer just smiled and said, “But who do you think created the chaos?”
What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
An offer you can’t understand
A lawyer walked into a plane and sat down. After a couple of minutes a woman came and sat next to him.
“Hi,” said the lawyer.
“Hello,” she replied.
“Want to play a game?” asked the lawyer, “I’ll ask you a question and if you can’t answer it, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can’t answer it, I’ll give you $50. Would you like to play?”
This game interested the woman very much, so she agreed to play. The lawyer asked the first question.
“What is the difference between the earth and the sun?” he asked.
The woman pondered over this question for a minute or two, then bent down to her bag, picked out five dollars and gave it to the lawyer. Now it was the woman’s go to ask a question.
“What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with only two?” she asked.
The lawyer thought and thought, searched the web for ages and called his lawyer friends on the short plane stop. After an hour of searching, the lawyer gave up, bent down to his briefcase, picked out fifty dollars and gave it to the woman.
Soon the woman fell asleep and that was the end of the game. When the plane landed, the lawyer caught the woman on her way out.
“I have just one more question for you,” said the lawyer.
“Yes?” asked the woman.
“What is the answer to that question?” The woman didn’t say anything, looked in her bag, picked out five dollars, gave it to the lawyer and walked off.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“At the scene of the accident, didn’t you say I’m fine?” asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the …..”
I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I’m fine!”
Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into the ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, “I’m really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accomodations.” St. Peter replied, “We have over a hundred Popes here, and we’re really very bored with them. We’ve never had a lawyer.”
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will be using attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
- There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
- The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
- No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won’t do.
Why are deceased lawyers buried 12 feet under, when everyone else gets buried only 6 feet under?
Because down deep lawyers are really good people.
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. “I know”, he says, “they say ‘you can’t take it with you.’ But who knows? Suppose they’re all mistaken. I’d like to have something with me, just in case. So, I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it’s useful, I’ll have something.” They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, “Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our new CAT SCAN machine broke down, and we haven’t been able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000.00 of our friend’s money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.”
At this, the priest says, “I, too, have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So, I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.”
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, “I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.”
We guarantee our clients in criminal cases that we’ll get them out of jail. It sometimes takes 20 years, but we guarantee to get them out!
A thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and when they get to heavan they are stopped by an angel who says, “Sorry, heaven is getting crowded so you need to answer a question correctly before you can get in.”
He looks at the teacher and asks, “What was the name of the famous ocean liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?”
“That’s easy, “ she says. “The Titanic.” Heaving answered the question correctly, the angel lets her into heaven.
The angel turns to the thief and asks, “How many people died on that ship?”
“That’s a tough one.” the thief answers. “But I saw the movie and it was 1,517.” The angel then moves aside to let the thief into heaven.
Finally, the angel turns to face the lawyer and says, “Name them.””
Scene: A court room where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt, however, there is no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,’ the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. ‘Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,’ he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.
The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally, the lawyer says: ‘Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.’
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
‘But how?’ inquires the lawyer. ‘You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.’
Answers the representative: ‘Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.’
A woman was diagnosed as having a brain tumor and was told that she needed a transplant of a one-pound brain. Her doctor asked, “What kind of brain would you like?”
“I have a choice?” the woman said in astonishment.
“Yes,” replied the doctor. “But there is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000.00, whereas a one-pound brain of an insurance adjuster costs just $20,000.”
The woman thought for a moment.
“Hmmmm. Can you get me a lawyer’s brain? Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamed of being a trial attorney.”
“I can, but it’ll cost you $250,000.”
“But doctor, why so much?” the woman cried.
“That’s more than four times what the surgeon’s brain costs!”
The doctor nodded. “Yes, but do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?”
A divorce lawyer met a colleague of hers in a bar after a long day.
“I had a ninety-five-year-old couple in the office today asking for a divorce. I asked them why they waited so long. They told me they were waiting till the children were dead.”
You Need a New Lawyer When…
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser”.
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
- He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose”.
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger”.
- A prison guard is shaving your head.
- Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
- He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
- He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said…”
- Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
- The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 P.M.”
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever”.
- He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs”.
A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry. He stomped across the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Asshole attorneys”.
The man next to him recoiled in outrage, saying “I want you to know I highly resent that remark”.
“Why, are you an attorney?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, one sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the attorney, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney’s shoe and spat in it.
When the attorney returned with the coke, the other physician said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one, too.”
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the
other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This fighting between professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”
Do You Know Me?
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes. I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”
What is the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
A small town that can’t support one lawyer can always support two.
Things allegedly said by lawyers in the heat of battle:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All of my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All of your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at that time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it’s a shame to wake him.
What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A whine cellar.
What’s the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.
What do lawyers do after they die?
They lie still.
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick drops off when you are dead.
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture eventually lets go.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Impatient with efforts to close the courts to injured plaintiffs the Bush administration literally fired the first shot in its groundbreaking “No Lawyer Left Standing” initiative. Vice President Cheney, hunting on a lawyer’s ranch near Kingsville, Texas, bagged an impressive buck (Harry Whittington, UT Law ’50). Under the new program, hunters may take one in-house lawyer or three outside lawyers daily. The limit has been suspended for personal injury trial lawyers. “We’ve just got to thin the herd.”, said the Vice President. “We’ve tried tort reform and caps on damages, but injured people are still suing!”. Cheney added, “It’s easy and fun. You can shoot in almost any direction and hit a lawyer.”
There was a small jet in mid-flight, carrying a doctor, a lawyer, the Pope, and a small 6-year old boy (and the pilot, of course). The four passengers were resting in their seats when the pilot came running from the cockpit, saying the plane was having technical difficulties and would soon be crashing. He said, “There are only four parachutes on this plane. I must take one of them, which means one of you must stay on the plane as it goes down…I’m sorry. I’ll let you decide how you’re going to divide them.” The pilot then grabbed a parachute, wished the other passengers good luck, and hopped out of the plane.
The doctor quickly snatched a parachute for himself, saying, “I’m a doctor, and I help millions of people a day. Without me, the world would be full of sickness and incurable diseases.” With that, he, too, hopped out of the plane into safety after the pilot.
Next, the lawyer grabbed a parachute, and said, “I’m a lawyer. I deserve a parachute, because I am the smartest man alive.” After this justification, he leaped out of the plane after the other two.
Now, all that was left was one parachute, and two passengers: the Pope, and the 6-year old boy. The Pope said to the boy, “Son, I’ve lived my life, and I’m certain about the fate that will await me when I die. You are so young, and have a full life ahead of you. You may take the last parachute.”
The boy, amused, simply replied. “Don’t worry, Mister. Everything’s okay. We’ve still got two parachutes left for the both of us. The ‘smartest man alive’ just jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “Honey, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug OK?”
She nodded, got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
A Mafia Godfather and his attorney are meeting with an accountant who has embezzled money from the mob. The Godfather demands to know where it is.
The attorney interrupts, “Godfather, remember, this man is a deaf mute. But, I know sign language.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney says “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the accountant’s head, and says, “Ask him again where the damn money is!”
The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”
The Godfather says, “Well…what did he say?”
The attorney says, “He claims you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
Once upon a time there was a sheepherder tending his sheep at the edge
of a country road in rural Wyoming. A brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee screeched to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, Jovial Swiss wristwatch and a BHS tie, jumped out and asked the herder “If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”
The herder looked at the young man, then looked at the sprawling herd of grazing sheep and said “Okay.”
The young man parked the SUV, connected his notebook and wireless modem, entered a NASA site, scanned the ground using satellite imagery and a GPS, opened a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then printed a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turned to the herder and said “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
The herder answered “Say, you are right. Pick out a sheep.”
The young man took one of the animals and put it in the back of his vehicle.
As he was preparing to drive away, the herder looked at him and asked “Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind?”
The young man answered “Sure.”
The herder said immediately “You are a consultant.”
“Exactly! How did you know?” asked the young man.
“Very simple,” replied the herder. “First you came here without being invited. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you do not understand anything about my business, and I’d really like to have my dog back.”
An Alexander County, Missouri Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri-Arkansas state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn’t want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy saw him and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the guy what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “Might as well go ahead and haul my butt to jail, there’s no way I can pass that test.”
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonnell’s. And McDonnell’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?”
And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and EPSON. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.”
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created the HMO.
Here are some numbers to consider:
Number of physicians in the United States – 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year – 120,000. Accidental deaths per physician – 0.171.
Number of gun owners in the United States – 80,000,000. Number of gun deaths per year (all age groups) – 1,500. Accidental deaths per gun owner – .0000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Not everyone has a gun, but most people have at least one doctor.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a public health measure, statistics on lawyers have been withheld for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.
I don’t know about that revolutionary hero guy, but if I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer’s.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you only had one life preserver, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
The American Bar Association decided to have its annual convention in Niagara Falls, Ontario, in Canada. The strange choice of a foreign destination seemed to intrigue the association’s members and the membership attended in record numbers. As the welcoming dinner was drawing to a close on the first night of the festivities, a clean cut young man approached the lecturn and took the microphone.
“Excuse me” he said. “On behalf of the city of Niagara Falls, I would like to thank you all for coming. I am a professional tour guide, licensed by both the Canadian and American bureaus of tourism, and I would like to provide a free tour of the sites of our area to all of you, as a sign of our appreciation.”
The offer seemed too good to pass up, and soon over 150 of our country’s finest barristers were loaded into busses and were off to see the sights of Niagara. First there was a whirlpool which changes direction twice daily. Then there was a beautiful hortological park. Next there were three falls that make up Niagara Falls, themselves. Finally, the tour ended by ascending a tall tower overlooking the falls, for a nighttime view of the falls illuminated in sparkling colored lights. As the lawyers followed their guide out to the viewing ledge at the top of the tower, they couldn’t help but notice the strong wind.
“Is it always this windy up here?” asked on of the tourists.
The tour guide smiled. “Indeed. In fact, it is so windy, that it is impossible to fall off or jump off this tower.”
The group was incredulous. “What do you mean?” several asked in unison.
“Well,” said the tour guide, “the wind is so strong that if you were to jump or fall off, the wind will blow you right back up here. Look!”
And with that, the tour guide jumped off the tower, the wind blew, and he was settled gently right back where he had lept from.
“That was amazing. Is it a trick?”
“Not at all,” emphasized the tour guide, and he walked over to the other side of the tower, jumped again, the wind blew, and “Wooooop!!”, he was back on the deck again. He then proceeded to repeat the feet at least a dozen more times.
The lawyers were enthralled. Eventually, over one hundred of the group decided they had to try, and simultaneously, got on the ledge and jumped off. The wind blew. The lawyers fell. Splat. Dead below.
The few who had not jumped were horrified. As they tore their eyes away from the carnage below, another tour guide (leading a group of physicians) was coming out on the viewing deck. This newer tour guide looked below, and shook his head sadly.
One of the lawyers approached him. “What happened?” he asked.
The second tour guide looked up with sadness in his eyes.
“You know,” he said. “Clark Kent is a good guy and a great tour guide, but he sure hates lawyers…”
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A big-city lawyer in his late 20’s goes hunting. He shoots a duck which falls into a field being plowed by a farmer. As the lawyer is climbing over the fence to retrieve the duck, the farmer (in his early 60’s) jumps off his tractor and yells at the lawyer, “Hey you, get off my property!” The lawyer yells back, “I’m a big-city lawyer and if you don’t let me have that duck I’ll sue you for everything you have!” The farmer replies, “We don’t believe in lawsuits around here. We settle our differences with the 3-kick system.” The lawyer responds, “The 3-kick system? What is that?” “Well,” the farmer says, “I kick you 3 times. Then you get to kick me 3 times, and we continue to do this until one of us gives up.” The lawyer looks the farmer over and thinks to himself, “I can take this old geezer, no problem.” “Okay.” the lawyer says to the farmer, “You go first.” So the farmer hauls off and kicks the lawyer squarely in the groin. The lawyer drops like a sack o’ taters and writhes about on the ground in agony. The farmer waits a couple minutes, then kicks the lawyer in the kidneys. The lawyer screams and swears and writhes about some more. The farmer waits a couple more minutes, then kicks the lawyer in the face. The lawyer flops around like a fish out of water for several minutes. Finally, he picks himself up out of the dirt, snarls at the farmer and growls, “Alright old man. Now it’s my turn!” To which the farmer replies, “Okay, I give up. You can have the duck.”
“Before I take your case,” said the counselor, “you’ll have to give me a $50 retainer.”
“All right, here’s the $50,” agreed Nyman, handing over the money.
“Thank you,” the lawyer retorted. “This entitles you to two questions!”
“What! Fifty dollars for just two questions! Isn’t that awfully high?”
“Yes, I suppose it is,” said the lawyer. “Now, what’s your second question?”
Client: I’ll give you $500 if you do the worrying for me.
Lawyer: Fine. Now where is the $500?
Client: That is your first worry.
An absent-minded attorney rose to defend a client, and, intent on winding up the proceedings promptly and reaching the country club, got off on the wrong foot.
“This man on trial, gentlemen of the jury,” he bumbled, “bears the reputation of being the most unconscionable and depraved scoundrel in the state…”
An assistant whispered frantically, “That’s your client you’re talking about.”
Without one second’s hesitation, the lawyer continued smoothly, “…but what outstanding citizen ever lived who has not been vilified and slandered by envious contemporaries?”
JUDGE: You’ve been convicted ten times of this same crime. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?
DEFENDANT: No, your Honor. I don’t believe one should be ashamed of one’s convictions.
Every trial lawyer’s nightmare–the unexpected answer by a witness.
PLAINTIFF’S LAWYER: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained?
PLAINTIFF: Dr. J.
PLAINTIFF’S LAWYER: And what kind of physician is Dr. J.?
PLAINTIFF: Well, I’m not sure, but I remember you said he was a good plaintiff’s doctor.
An overpersistant insurance solicitor followed W.C. Fields into a barbershop. Fields finally exploded, “I’ve told you ‘no’ ten times now. Just to shut you up, I’ll put the proposition up to my lawyer the next time I see him.”
“Will you take the proper step,” persisted the solicitor, “if he says it’s okay?”
“I certainly will,” asserted Fields. “I’ll get another lawyer.”
A successful and formidable old jurist lingered over the breakfast table reading his Law Review, with his wife sitting silently across the table from him–just as she had done every weekday morning for the past thirty-seven years. Seized by a sudden daredevil impulse, she spoke up. “Henry,” she said, “is there anything interesting in the Law Review this morning?” The jurist frowned and answered gruffly, “Don’t be silly!”
The judge frowned when he looked at the defendant and demanded, “Haven’t I seen that face of yours before?”
“Indeed you have, your honor,” said the defendant hopefully. “I gave your son violin lessons last winter.”
“Ah, yes,” recalled the judge. “Twenty years!”
PRISONER: “It is difficult to see how I can be a forger. Why, I can’t sign my own name.”
JUDGE: “You are not charged with signing your own name.”
A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, his escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
Undistinguished and often shabby in appearance, Ulysses S. Grant did not recommend himself to strangers by his looks. He once entered an inn at Galena, Illinois, on a stormy winter’s night. A number of lawyers, in town for a court session, were clustered around the fire. One looked up as Grant appeared and said, “Here’s a stranger, gentlemen, and by the looks of him he’s traveled through hell itself to get here.”
“That’s right,” said Grant cheerfully.
“And how did you find things down there?”
“Just like here,” replied Grant. “Lawyers all closest to the fire.”
One of Lincoln’s favorite stories was about his career as a young lawyer traveling on horseback from one country court to another. Once, when an opposing lawyer objected to a certain juror because he knew Lincoln, Judge Davis overruled the objection because it was a reflection on Lincoln’s honor. When Lincoln examined several jurors to see if they knew the opposing lawyer, the judge reprimanded him, saying, “Now, Mr. Lincoln, you are wasting time. The mere fact that a juror knows your opponent does not disqualify him.”
“No, Your Honor,” Lincoln replied, “but I am afraid some of the gentlemen may not know him, which would place me at a disadvantage.”
Story by Abe Lincoln (as told by Gregory Peck):
A ten-year-old farm boy, it seems, rushes to his father and says that he has just seen his big sister and the hired man in the hayloft, taking off their clothes. He isn’t sure what they’re up to, but he is afraid that they are going to spoil the hay by doing what should only be done in an outhouse. The father says, ruefully – this is a country lawyer’s joke, used when the evidence can’t be denied – “Son, you’ve got the facts right, but you’ve come to the wrong conclusion.”
A browbeating lawyer was demanding that a witness answer a certain question in the negative or affirmative.
“I cannot do it,” said the witness. “There are some questions that cannot be answered by a ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ as any one knows.”
“I defy you to give an example to the court,” thundered the lawyer.
The retort came like a flash: “Are you still beating your wife?”
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, “What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?” and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub…pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband’s client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband’s rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. “They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said. The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, “For crying out loud, Woman, don’t you ever stop!?”
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell? “Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. “God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue. “Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Why don’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu…
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Attorney: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the attorney?”
The waiter fetched the cook…..and Cookie replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one?”
The Statue and the story
A man was looking around a small gift shop when he came across an amazingly ugly statue of a rat. As he was staring at this statue, the shopkeeper came up to him and began to speak. “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your interest in the statue. It’s only five dollars, sir, but the story behind it will cost you fifty.” The man turned back around and looked in shock. “Let me get this straight. If I buy the statue and not the story behind it, I’ll only pay five? Sold.” He paid the merchant and walked out of the store. A few minutes later, he noticed that a lone rat was following him. He shrugged, and ignored the rodent, hoping it would leave. When he looked back again, some five minutes later, he saw that the number of rodents had grown to maybe fifty rats. A little nervous, he turned back to is path and continued, walking. When he looked around the third time, he saw thousands of rats following him. Horribly frightened, the man rushed to a dock overlooking the ocean and threw the statue as far out to sea as he possibly could. The rats followed the statue, sinking into the waves like stones. The man then rushed back to the shop, elated, panicked, and still in shock. When he burst through the door, the shopkeeper gave a little chuckle. He had a smug grin on his face as he said, “I expect you’ve come back to buy the story.” The merchant had out his hand for the fifty dollars. The customer looked confused for a second, then realized. “Hell no! I wanna know if you’ve got a statue of a lawyer here!”
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name!
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